


I'm so sorry, you don't deserve to read my ugly words

by Sinbastiao



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Burnout - Freeform, Depression, Gen, Writer's Block, me using Yamaguchi to express my feelings about writing, vent from a writer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:25:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23320135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sinbastiao/pseuds/Sinbastiao
Summary: A vent of a writer in a sea of sorrows.
Kudos: 6





	I'm so sorry, you don't deserve to read my ugly words

**Author's Note:**

> Hello.
> 
> I wrote this fanfic as a vent. I don't know if any of you ever felt this way or if I'm the only one, but... Yeah.
> 
> I'm going to post this on Tumblr, too.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it.

Yamaguchi's eyelids were getting heavier and heavier, not even the strong, dark, unsweetened coffee seemed to prevent the tiredness that hung over him.

The  _ Word  _ page was still white, with no words written on it.

It was empty, just like Yamaguchi's soul.

There were no words to describe what Yamaguchi felt inside of him.

He loved writing, it was his escape from reality during his teens. Writing about his ships and their loves, their adventures, their disappointments – let his imagination run and share his love with others. He loved waiting for comments and jumping for joy when the notifications came, it was a genuine and pure love.

He didn't know when his love of writing had become something so ugly, disgusting, grotesque... Something that made him wish for death.

In reality, he felt dead. He was mourning himself, at the funeral of his creativity,  _ at his own funeral. _

No matter what words he wrote, they were all weak, unworthy of the eyes of his readers.

They deserved better, however, Yamaguchi's mind felt heavy, too burnt to turn his ideas into the most beautiful words that they deserved.

Yamaguchi was frustrated with himself. He even hated himself.

Sometimes he looked at other authors' fanfics and felt jealous. And he hated himself even more.

He felt unworthy of such feelings. He shouldn't be envious of others, it was such an ugly and dishonored feeling.  _ And he hated himself even more. _

It was a vicious, poisonous cycle that made him want to die.

And, with a sigh, giving up, Yamaguchi closes the  _ Word _ and shuts down the computer. He gets up from the chair and walks over to his bed, his corner of comfort.

He lets himself fall on it, burying his face in the pillow, in a vain attempt to fight the tears that burn to get out of his tired eyes.

With hot and cold tears slowly marching down his face, he takes out his cell phone. He opens Twitter, in a movement of habit. Look at the tweets of his beloved fandom, in a desperate search for something that would make his brain produce serotonin and he could have, again, the talent to smile.

But he found the exact opposite.

A list of recommendations in which he didn't appear – he never did, let's face it.

He knew some of those fanfics and agreed with their presence on that list. However, through the black and depressive filter, he couldn’t feel the euphoria he felt when reading them.

His depressed self-centeredness murmured in his ears that he was worthless, that until then everyone had hated the words he wrote and that they had left all those kudos out of pity for his misery. Perhaps, until then, he had been arrogant to the point of thinking that his writing had any value,  _ that he had value. _

His breath became heavy and the tears came back to his eyes, their usual home, overflowing with negative and miserable feelings.

" _ I'm so sorry, _ " he started writing on Twitter. " _ You don’t deserve to read my ugly words. _ "

But he didn't have the courage to post. He was a coward, after all, and he knew it.

He was afraid of people finding out that he was jealous. He was afraid that people would look at that tweet and think he wanted their attention, their pity.

That he was miserable.

And he was.

That night, again, Yamaguchi fell asleep with tears forming a sea of sorrows.


End file.
